Write a 'Dear John/Jane' letter to someone!

[La Femme Fatale]

I found this online and thought it was hilarious. So, I thought it would be stupidly funny to write eachother one.

Dear Angel,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don't match. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my illegitimate child in Ghana. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that I get turned on by garbage men. I'm returning the pictures from Vegas to you, but I'll keep your left ear and right shoe as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and I will haunt you when I’m incarnated as an Egg.

Please don't hurt me.
-La Femme Fatale

_____________

So, if you're bored and have 10 minutes to blow, here's how to do it;

Dear (friend`s name),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but (_1_). I think I realized it when (_2_), (_3_) and I saw you (_4_) (_5_).
I'm sure you're (_6_) enough to understand that (_7_).
I'm returning (_8_) to you, but I'll keep (_9_) as a memory.
You should also know that I (_10_) and (_11_).

(_12_)
(Your name)

1. What's the colour of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black - I dislike your eyelashes
Green - Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other - I'm in love with your cat

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February - Last year when you peed your pants
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you smacked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
October - When I quoted Forest Gump
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4. What's the colour of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put whipped cream on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5. What's the colour of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My uterus
Pink – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other - The elephant in the corner

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs; Man
O.C.; Emotional
One Tree Hill; Open
Heroes; Frostbitten
Lost; High
House; Sly
Simpsons; Cowardly
The news; Scarred
Idol; Masochistic
Family Guy; Senile
Top Model; Middle-class
Annat; Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That your driving sucks
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumbass
Other - That I get turned on by garbage men

8. What's the colour of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - Your Elton John poster
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from Vegas
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your car

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
C/D - The oil tank from your car
E/F - Your neighbour’s dog and fish
G/H - My virginity and your boxers
I/J - The results of that blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear and right shoe
M/N - Your suicide note and virginity
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your glass eye
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
C/D - Never will forget that night
E/F - Always wanted to break your legs
G/H – Hate your cooking
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always will remember the pep talks
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – Am better off without you

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m incarnated as an Egg
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – Thanks for the Cocaine
Cider – I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Japan - Best of luck on the sex-change
France - Love always
Spain - Go drown yourself
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Australia - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt –Kiss my ass
England– With tears of sadness

 

[Springhosen]

Dear Nick,

I don't really know how to tell you this but you're a pervert. I think I realized it last year when you peed your pants in your closet and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that I get turned on by garbage men. I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and you should stop picking your nose.

Kiss my ass
--Claire_Redfield

Aww that was fun.

 

[Mr Sunshine]

Dear Tremor,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Conventblink . I think I realized it when you smacked my ass, at the Elton John concert and I saw you Carve your genitals into My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude.
I'm sure you're Frostbitten enough to understand that That your Ford sucks.
I'm returning The couch cushions to you, but I'll keep Your suicide note and virginity as a memory.
You should also know that I Told my psychiatrist about the bruises and You ruined my attempts at another world war.

Love always <3,
Fallen91

P.S Will you marry me?

 

[tremor]

Dear Tremor,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Conventblink . I think I realized it when you smacked my ass, at the Elton John concert and I saw you Carve your genitals into My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude.
I'm sure you're Frostbitten enough to understand that That your Ford sucks.
I'm returning The couch cushions to you, but I'll keep Your suicide note and virginity as a memory.
You should also know that I Told my psychiatrist about the bruises and You ruined my attempts at another world war.

Love always <3,
Fallen91

P.S Will you marry me?

Roflmao!! xD Did you say genitials on purpose? Because you were supposed to say initials :lol:




Dear Fallen91,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat. I think I realized it when I quoted Forrest Gump, at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude.
I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that I may pee my pants.
I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your suicide note and virginity as a memory.
You should also know that I will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard and you should get that embarrassing rash checked.

Best of luck on the sex-change,
Tremor

 

[Mr Sunshine]

Hey! I'm not the one who had a sex-change here!

Yes it was on purpose! :lol:

 

[tremor]

Hey! I'm not the one who had a sex-change here!

Yes it was on purpose! :lol:

:lol: Well....I want to go to Japan on vacation, so I kinda sorta had to say it

 

[Blargh Man]

Dear Tremor,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a pervert. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer, in your closet and I saw you sit on my salt-beef bucket.
I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand how aweful you are.
I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your photo with the moustache drawn on it as a memory.
You should also know that I will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Kiss my ass,
Blargh man

 

[Kellyrose]

Dear Jacob,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me, in your closet and I saw you carve your initials into my boyfriend.
I'm sure you're man enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist.
I'm returning the cut toenails to you, but I'll keep your left ear and right shoe as a memory.
You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching, and thanks for the Cocaine.

Love always,
Kelly

 

[L]

Dear Tremor,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a pervert. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer in your apartment and I saw you carve your initials into my salt beef bucket.
I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist.
I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood sample as a memory.
You should also know that I told my psychiatrist about the bruises and I will haunt you when I'm incarnated as an egg.

Best of luck on the sex change!
Rathit



TAKE THAT PIECE OF S***

I'm nice I know.

 

[tremor]

Dear Tremor,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a pervert. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer in your apartment and I saw you carve your initials into my salt beef bucket.
I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist.
I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood sample as a memory.
You should also know that I told my psychiatrist about the bruises and I will haunt you when I'm incarnated as an egg.

Best of luck on the sex change!
Rathit



TAKE THAT PIECE OF S***

I'm nice I know.

Thanks son

 

[L]

Thanks son

No problem Mom. *cough* b***h *cough*

 

[tequila]

Dear Romero,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me in your apartment and I saw you put whip cream on my uterus.
I'm sure you're man enough to understand that santa does not exist.
I'm returning couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your suicide note and virginity as a memory.
You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and your Cucumber-fetishism is weird

Love Always,
Tequila <3

....
.......................................

LMAO @ the other notes. Nice one LFF! I'll make another one tomorrow.

 

[L]

Dear Romero,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me in your apartment and I saw you put whip cream on my uterus.
I'm sure you're man enough to understand that santa does not exist.
I'm returning couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your suicide note and virginity as a memory.
You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and your Cucumber-fetishism is weird

Love Always,
Tequila <3

Pretty weird. Who puts whipped cream on...... well maybe up a little but not there.

 

[tequila]

Pretty weird. Who puts whipped cream on...... well maybe up a little but not there.

:lol: I was just going along with the numbers. I copied and paste and realize what it read after I posted it. I won't change it. Funny madlibs.

 

[Hoady]

Dear La Femme Fatale,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when you smacked my ass, in your car and I saw you ignore my knee caps.
I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand that there is no solution to you being a dumbass. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your photo with the moustache drawn on it as a memory.
You should also know that I never will forget that night and thanks for the Cocaine.

Greetings to your frog Leonard
-Hoady

 

[Angel]

Dear La Femme Fatale,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat. I think I realized it when I saw the purple monkey, in your closet and I saw you drive over my corned beef hash.
I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that there is no solution to you being a dumbass.
I'm returning the pictures from vegas to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory.
You should also know that I will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard and you should stop picking your nose.

Go milk a cow,
Angel

Hehehehe - this stuff is awesome

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Ah man, it appears all my relationships are taking a drastic turn for the worse. :lol: