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Jokes

A_Wesker123

A_Wesker123

The Original
All you have to do is make a joke. Please keep them clean as there are young users on this forum too :D

I'll start:

What do air conditioning units and computers have in common?

A:They both don't work when you open windows.
 
Sorta inapropriate but...

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
 
There are 3 people who have been dropped behind enemy lines in world war 2. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottsman.

They hide in a barn.

Two Germans come in.

One German pokes the first stack of hay that the Englishman is in.

'Neigh!'

'Oh, it's just a horse'

He pokes the second one that the SCotsman is in.

'Baaaaaah!'

'Oh it's just a sheep.

He goes over to the oher stack, the one the Irishman is in and says:

'Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes!'
 
There are 2 muffins in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says "Man its hot in here!". The second muffin looks and says "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"


(Yes its kinda stupid but I love it :D :D )
 
[quote author=RegeneratorHater24 link=topic=464.msg11269#msg11269 date=1218994286]
There are 2 muffins in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says "Man its hot in here!". The second muffin looks and says "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"


(Yes its kinda stupid but I love it :D :D )
[/quote]

lol that was funny.

can we do racist jokes? I dont wanna get banned..I have alot of them race jokes...
 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
 
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!
 
@ CousinTony - Racist jokes probbably shouldnt be posted :)

There may well be alot of people on this forum of all different races who may take offence :)

A man went into a public toilet and had a pee. He saw next to him another man just stand there helpless. Therefore the first man told the second man, "What is wrong". The second man said "I can't use my arms. Can you un-zip my trousers for me? ". The first man said "Okay" and un-zipped the trousers. The second man then said "I need someone to take my (u know what) out". The first man did so and noticed the (u know what) was terribly mouldy and dirty. Nevertheless he helped the man pee. Afterwards the man said "What was wrong with your (u know what)." The second man zipped his trousers and said "No idea but I'm not touching it."

i had to change the word to (u know what) as there are alot of younger users :)
 
There are 3 guys in a hot tub. While sitting there relaxing they all here a phone ring. The first guy puts his hand up to his ear and starts having a conversation. The other 2 men look at him dumb struck. After saying bye, the first man explains to them that he uses the phone so much that he had one built into his hand. After saying they understand, they return to there relaxation. A few minutes later the second guy starts laughing hystarically. The first and thirg men look at him like he's lost his mind. The second guy starts to explain that he watches TV so much that he had one implanted into his eyes so he can watch it when and where ever he wants. They say they understand and go back to relaxing. The third man thinks to himself 'Dang, these guys have some cool technology. I have to come up with something' The third man quickly tells them he has to use the restroom and runs out of their sight. A couple minutes later, the third man walks back by the hot tub. The first man says 'Um, you have some toilet paper sticking out of the back of your pants.' The third man smiles and says 'Oh no, I'm just getting a fax.'
 
A cornstalk walks into a bar and
the bartender says "wanna hear a joke?"
the cornstalk says "Sure im all ears"
 
My muffin one was better >:( Haha lol jk :P :P

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:

"Jesus is watching you."

Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.

"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
 
Yea. I too laugh at many things that some think are stupid.

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
 
[quote author=RegeneratorHater24 link=topic=464.msg11544#msg11544 date=1219378595]
I was saying these with my friends:
Justin Obodie
Ophelia Myhinee
Ivana Tinkle
Anita Bath
[/quote]

Ben Dover

that one was used in my italian class. They named some guy that. priceless
 
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