Question of the week #?: Inter-religious dating/marriages - does it work?

[La Femme Fatale]

The older members might remember that about a year or so ago we had a question of the week thing going on here... I'd post a weekly question about current or past social or political issues and we'd talk about it until the next week. It eventually died out but I think it'd be a good idea to bring it back again now that our core group has changed a bit. Like before, if you have any ideas or things you'd like to see asked as a QotW, just send me a quick message and we'll make it happen.

I'm not even going to acquire about interracial dating/marriages, because unless you're part of the KKK most people find no problem with them - or at least they don't really voice it. But I was wondering how people felt about inter-religious dating. Can it work or does one party have to conform to the other's religious beliefs? What religions or beliefs are most compatible with eachother? Discuss!

 

[LordGolbez]

I Am Glad That You Brought This Back Femme. It's Good To Have A Debate As Long As It Don't Get Out Of Hand.

As For The Question I Don't See A Problem With Interracial Marriages Because I Don't Really Think That Someone's Skin Color Matters As Long As You Love Them But I Will Say That If They Plan On Having Children Then They Should Think About The Effect On The Child. I Don't Know About You Guys But Where I Am From It's Frowned Upon To Have A Mixed Child. No One Says Anything Out Right But If You Live Here You Know Most People Don't Like It. It's Not Really The Adults That Will Say Anything Though Except Those Who Are The Most Outspoken, It's The Kids. Everyone Knows Kids Can Be Cruel But When They Are The Son Or Daughter Of A Racist Parent They Don't Quite Have The Ability To Hide Their Feelings Quite Like The Adults Can. It's Gotten Better In The Last Few Years And It's Sad But I Think It's Something That Needs To Be Considered If You Plan Of Having Kids.

Now For Inter-Religious Relationships Again I Don't Know About Where You Guys Are From But This Gets A Bigger Reaction As You Can Actually See Someone's Reaction On Their Face. Not Many Of You May Know My Beliefs But It's Hard For Me To Think Of A God In Conventional Terms. When I Tell People This They Have An "Oh God, He Is An Athiest Get Away Before He Can Corrupt You." Kind Of Look On Their Face. If God Exists Then God Just Is, Not Part Of Any Religion Of Any Denomination, That's How I Feel About It.

If I Were To Have A Relationship Were I Was Married/Dating Someone I Wouldn't Shove It In Someone's Face But If They Had Questions Then I Would Say How I Felt Unless I Knew It Was Going To Start An Argument. I Think That Most Religions Can Be Compatible With Each Other It Matters About The People And What Compromises They Are Willing To Make, But If You Are A Radical Or Conservative Of Any Religion Then It Ain't Gonna Work. Mother Teresa And Hitler Would Not Work Very Well Together. I Usually Tend To Follow The Saying That Religion Is Like A Penis It's Fine To Have One, It's Fine To Play With It But Don't Whip It Out And Shove It Down Other People's Throats.

 

[Rain611]

I think it all depends on the person and I can only speak for myself. I'm an outspoken Atheist, and so when I'm considering dating someone, I prefer them to be Atheist, Agnostic or Non-practicing for obvious reasons. I don't want to date a Christian or a Muslim or something and then offend them with my lack of belief in a deity. And I absolutely would not covert for someone (I know someone who did this and it baffles me.)

That being said, I believe that it can be very possible for people with different faiths to be together. I suppose it just depends on how radical they are and if they're open to different views.

 

[Springhosen]

Ah! It's amazing to have the question of the week back.

Before I begin to answer the actual question, I believe I must put in that I agree with Golbez on the case of interracial marriages/relationships. To each their own but when you bring a child into the world you're imposing on someone else, someone who will grow up and eventually begin to think on their own. Kids are cruel in school and, in the end, your child may grow up to resent you seeing as how they're getting picked on for something they can't help, something you did to them. Not all children will feel this way, of course, and I do believe that "mixed" children are becoming more accepted, not only by society as a whole but by their peers - which, until they're older, is where it matters most, mind you - but it's still something that people should think about beforehand and, sadly, I don't believe many are.

Now onto the question of inter-religious relationships: *sigh* I'll try to answer this to the best of my abilities without my views on religion bleeding in as a definite bias.

For any inter-religious partnership - whether it be a dating relationship, marriage or simply a friendship - to successfully occur one thing must be there: the ability to agree to disagree. You can't make someone believe a certain way and to be in a relationship where two people believe differently, both parties have to accept that they have different views on religion. I believe there also has to be an understanding that no set faith is right and, therefore, no set faith is wrong. (Which is very rare.)

As with any compromise the success rate depends on the type of people you're dealing with, how devoted they are to a set religion and how much religion influences their lives.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Ah! It's amazing to have the question of the week back.

Before I begin to answer the actual question, I believe I must put in that I agree with Golbez on the case of interracial marriages/relationships. To each their own but when you bring a child into the world you're imposing on someone else, someone who will grow up and eventually begin to think on their own. Kids are cruel in school and, in the end, your child may grow up to resent you seeing as how they're getting picked on for something they can't help, something you did to them. Not all children will feel this way, of course, and I do believe that "mixed" children are becoming more accepted, not only by society as a whole but by their peers - which, until they're older, is where it matters most, mind you - but it's still something that people should think about beforehand and, sadly, I don't believe many are.

Wait, sorry Mags, can you just clarify this for me? I'm not quite sure of the position you're taking. In relation to all these talks about kids being picked on - that happens to everyone as a kid. Children are terrible little alien monster creatures and they'll find any reason to pick on someone - whether it's because the victim is gay or perceived to be gay, overweight, has acne, stutters, likes Justin Beiber, is mixed race or is any kind of race that's not considered the majority... kids will pick on other kids regardless because that's what kids do. I was picked on for having braces but I don't hold any resentment towards my parents for birthing me with crooked teeth, lol. I guess I just don't find interracial marriages or relationships controversial in general... or rather, I don't feel they should be controversial. I feel that as a society, we should be over that. Racists will always be racist and as my manager says, you can't fix stupid so we shouldn't try to. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But anyway, my main question was about inter-religious marriages and relationships because it has that extra variable thrown in there that really can cause a legitimate problem. The beliefs of some religions simply aren't very compatible with others and like Maggie said, it's crucial that you agree to disagree and it's also incredibly dependant on how extreme or radical your beliefs are. I'm a pragmatic agnostic, and I don't think I could see myself in a relationship with someone who identifies strongly with any kind of religion, except for maybe Buddhism. Believing in God is one thing... alot of people do and I don't think that aspect of it gets in the way of a healthy relationship. However, there's a passage in the Bible that talks about not 'mixing the yolk', and the more orthodox Christians I know take this to mean that Christians must marry other Christians. And I mean, I don't know because I haven't been in that kind of situation, but I don't think I could just convert to particular religion because someone I possibly loved wanted me to. I don't feel I'd be true to myself and I'd be living a lie.

But even so, I don't think I could get close enough emotionally to someone who is staunchly, staunchly religious without them wanting to kill me anyway. I guess it depends on the person and what matters to them.

 

[Springhosen]

Wait, sorry Mags, can you just clarify this for me? I'm not quite sure of the position you're taking. In relation to all these talks about kids being picked on - that happens to everyone as a kid. Children are terrible little alien monster creatures and they'll find any reason to pick on someone - whether it's because the victim is gay or perceived to be gay, overweight, has acne, stutters, likes Justin Beiber, is mixed race or is any kind of race that's not considered the majority... kids will pick on other kids regardless because that's what kids do. I was picked on for having braces but I don't hold any resentment towards my parents for birthing me with crooked teeth, lol. I guess I just don't find interracial marriages or relationships controversial in general... or rather, I don't feel they should be controversial. I feel that as a society, we should be over that. Racists will always be racist and as my manager says, you can't fix stupid so we shouldn't try to. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

While that's true, you still need to think before you bring another life into your choice. It's your choice to face racism and criticism and all the hatred that comes with being in an interracial relationship but your child didn't chose that and it's not fair for you to chose for them. While children get picked on for one thing or another all the time, this is something that the parents can control, unlike crooked teeth, and something that needs serious consideration before you just run off having sex without thinking about the consequences your children will face for your actions. It's not as bad now, and it wasn't even that bad when I was younger, but I did see the judgement and the comments mixed children I grew up with had to face and it wasn't an easy thing to see someone you were friends with, or even someone you weren't friends with, go through that. To be perfectly honest, I could love someone of a different race with all my heart but, at the same time, I couldn't in good conscious bring another life into that, I just couldn't do that to someone let alone an innocent child who, until a reasonable age, won't understand why they're being discriminated against.

 

[tremor]

I believe that the success of an inter-religious relationship really depends on the two people involved. I know of a few relationships that went to crap over this very topic. It IS a touchy subject..but I would like to point out something a tad interesting: my mother is a Christian and my father was an athiest, up until he passed away. Something made him believe in his last few minutes on Earth. The point here is that my parents' relationship wasn't affected at all by the difference in their beliefs..and they were married for eleven whole years. My beliefs weren't affected by my father's or anything like that...he let me believe in whatever I wanted to believe in.

Hell I'm not even a typical Christian. I don't think it's right to force any kind of religious belief, or lack there of, on anyone. That being said, I don't believe I could date anyone with really strong beliefs, not even another Christian.

 

[VP-70]

Depends entirely on the person and the religion they are part of.

it also strongly depends on what the person wants...

Back in the day, before things got stupid and complicated.

Religion was something for man to explain the world in which he lived in. Slowly but surely it changed into a control mechanism.

For me, Your lifes partner or the person you want to spend your life with and share with. It is entirely seperate from religion of olden days and modern....

As i said, It was a way to explain nature and all there-in... and as far as i know, the control mechanism has no right to dictate who you can fall in love with.

The need for religion by man, is nothing more than a chest in which to put all his dreams, questions, answers,discoveries and wonders in.

However, all in all, It doesn't take someone to be religious for such a question to be asked. People can take offence to any partnership for any reason...nationality,personality,look...anything...

so hoepfully this question stays away from the '' religious people are stupid and narrow minded '' as this is just blatantly untrue,cheap and simply a waste of time.

What if i had a son who was religious, and he wanted to marry a girl from a far flung place who was raised in a strict even dangerous religion.....what would my advice be?

pffff... as a Scot... i'd urge him or anybody, to just follow your heart and go blaze a trail...for you'll soon be outside the field of vision from the short sighted ones.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

While that's true, you still need to think before you bring another life into your choice. It's your choice to face racism and criticism and all the hatred that comes with being in an interracial relationship but your child didn't chose that and it's not fair for you to chose for them. While children get picked on for one thing or another all the time, this is something that the parents can control, unlike crooked teeth, and something that needs serious consideration before you just run off having sex without thinking about the consequences your children will face for your actions. It's not as bad now, and it wasn't even that bad when I was younger, but I did see the judgement and the comments mixed children I grew up with had to face and it wasn't an easy thing to see someone you were friends with, or even someone you weren't friends with, go through that. To be perfectly honest, I could love someone of a different race with all my heart but, at the same time, I couldn't in good conscious bring another life into that, I just couldn't do that to someone let alone an innocent child who, until a reasonable age, won't understand why they're being discriminated against.

Honey... everyone has to think before having kids, period. Quite frankly, I'd be far more concerned with whether or not I can provide financially for a child... considering the cost of raising one is so damn high these days. Bullying will happen regardless and it will be just as painful because at the end of the day, we all bleed red and a mixed race child isn't going to get it any worse than a gay child or any other child who is perceived to be a bit different. As long as I love the man or woman I marry with all my heart and soul then the colour of their skin is of no consequence to me and would have NO bearing whatsoever on my decision to birth their child. I know that as long as I can provide a safe, loving, and happy environment for that child to grow up in and come home to everyday then everything else can be dealt wth. Teasing and bullying doesn't last forever, it's a part of growing up and everyone gets it. It would seem cowardly for me to say that I could, in good conscious, sit across from someone I love and cherish and truly care about and tell them I can't have their children because their skin colour is not the same as mine and I'm worried about our kids being bullied because of it. No way, no how. And who knows, maybe I'll meet a nice man from Kenya one day and our child might grow up to be the second President of the United States of America one day. Because all children have the potential to grow up and become great and make significant contributions to this world.

I guess my main point is that... worry about things that matter, like whether or not you can provide food for that child, whether or not you can put a roof over their heads and whether or not you can give them a safe, loving, nurturing household. If you're strong enough and if you're willing to fight for your family, you'll be more than able to deal with anything that life throws your way. I know on my death bed, the one thing I would hope never to say is 'I should have'...

 

[Romero]

I believe that the success of an inter-religious relationship really depends on the two people involved. I know of a few relationships that went to crap over this very topic. It IS a touchy subject..but I would like to point out something a tad interesting: my mother is a Christian and my father was an athiest, up until he passed away. Something made him believe in his last few minutes on Earth. The point here is that my parents' relationship wasn't affected at all by the difference in their beliefs..and they were married for eleven whole years. My beliefs weren't affected by my father's or anything like that...he let me believe in whatever I wanted to believe in.

Hell I'm not even a typical Christian. I don't think it's right to force any kind of religious belief, or lack there of, on anyone. That being said, I don't believe I could date anyone with really strong beliefs, not even another Christian.

I think you are very right. I'm a Christian, but it would be difficult for me to date another Christian that was very deeply religious.

Inter-religious relationships can work, but it seems clear to me that they do not have the best possible odds to be successful. In my country, inter-religious relationships usually means that one is Christian and the other Muslim. I hear often about problem marriages where religion/culture is the issue, and more often it is the woman who is Christian and the man who is Muslim. However I think the culture also play an important role here, not only the religion itself. But often the culture in Islam countries is very man-dominant; the woman is the man's property. This is what cause problems more often than anything in Norway.

I don't count atheism as a religion... But it is natural to mention it. I could date an atheist woman, if she accepted my belief. I would of course accept her lack of belief. But the condition is that our kids would get a Christian upbringing. And this I think is a potential problem in such relationships: The two adults can accept not having the same beliefs, but what about the kids? This is very often a problem.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Inter-religious relationships can work, but it seems clear to me that they do not have the best possible odds to be successful. In my country, inter-religious relationships usually means that one is Christian and the other Muslim. I hear often about problem marriages where religion/culture is the issue, and more often it is the woman who is Christian and the man who is Muslim.

I just have a question because I find this sort of stuff fascinating, but where I live it's a bit like New York so I can never talk to people who I don't know very well without them looking at me like 'why are you talking to me?' Aha. Are the interreligious relationships you've observed always a Christian woman and Muslim man, or are some vice versa? I know that the Quran says that Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslims (but men can), but I was just curious if this belief is still strongly adhered to in a more liberal, non-Islamic country like Norway.

The two adults can accept not having the same beliefs, but what about the kids? This is very often a problem.

I've always figured, or at least the way I would compromise if I was in that situation is to explain to my children both my husband's beliefs and my own, and I would even allow my children to be brought up Christian. But I would make sure that they are exposed to different ways of thinking, and in the end when they're old enough to make a mature decision about their religious convictions, that it's what they want and not what myself or my partner want for them. If that makes sense.

 

[Hoady]

Considering interacial stuff i don't see or question it in the first place so no problem there.

As for religion my girlfriend is christian and i guess i am an 'athiest'.Being with someone purely for there belief systems is very superficial to me.Are you loving the person or the image?There will no doubt be conflict at some point because there is interference of a value system.Things that one might consider normal someone else might be offended by it.I went to church a few times with her but now i don't go anymore, and we are ok.Some things will pop up but i just let it slide, i just don't care to be honest.

 

[Romero]

Are the interreligious relationships you've observed always a Christian woman and Muslim man, or are some vice versa? I know that the Quran says that Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslims (but men can), but I was just curious if this belief is still strongly adhered to in a more liberal, non-Islamic country like Norway.

I think Muslim man and Christian woman is the more common, but vice versa happens too. Norway is not Islamic, but the Muslims here are immigrant from many conservative Islamic countries like Pakistan, Morocco and Somalia. I don't know how often it is the woman who is Muslim in these marriages, but the problems we hear about is when the man is Muslim and the woman not.

I've always figured, or at least the way I would compromise if I was in that situation is to explain to my children both my husband's beliefs and my own, and I would even allow my children to be brought up Christian. But I would make sure that they are exposed to different ways of thinking, and in the end when they're old enough to make a mature decision about their religious convictions, that it's what they want and not what myself or my partner want for them. If that makes sense.

I appreciate what you say, and it would be OK for me to have both the atheist and Christian beliefs explained to them, I failed to point this out. That would be fine. But what I can not compromise with is having the child baptized. That is in my opinion the most important part in a "Christian upbringing", it is a must.

 

[ChrisRedfield1994]

I study at a sixth form where all sorts of religions mix and honestly there are some couples that are Hindi and Muslim and they get on like anything! I'm all for it if I'm honest, as long as one party doesn't force their beliefs down their partner's throat. That's when it gets to a limit. If they love the other person as much as they do, surely they should be able to accept that they are of a different religion and should set that aside?

 

[VP-70]

I study at a sixth form where all sorts of religions mix and honestly there are some couples that are Hindi and Muslim and they get on like anything! I'm all for it if I'm honest, as long as one party doesn't force their beliefs down their partner's throat. That's when it gets to a limit. If they love the other person as much as they do, surely they should be able to accept that they are of a different religion and should set that aside?

Very true, If they are in love, then such a question wouldn't even break their stare.

Over the past two years however there has been alot of young British girls of Indian decent who have been tricked back to india by their parents and forced into religious marriages that they want nothing to do with, and are then killed for refusing. So we can never take too lightly the seriousness of the question...

For us in the west it's all too easy to sit at a computer with a bag of nacho's putting the world right...but for others, it's life and death.

infact , if there is any smoking hot indian chicks in need of a white knight in shinning armour to save them from medieval drones, i'll wheel spin you outa there