What RE characters would never say or do...

[Hel]

This is some kind of game, or rather a thought experiment, and the point is to make people laugh. As the title suggests, make up funny, silly or downright ridiculous situations / dialogues / one-liners that would never occur like this in Resident Evil. They can either be all new, or based on real game situations and then take a surprising twist. I'll start with a few examples:

Chris: *looks around in the Mansion save room* "Wasn't there a sword key here before?"
Rebecca: "Oh, it's still here, but if you want it, you must come and get it..." *drops the key into her cleavage*

Ada: *after almost shooting Leon* "Sorry about that. When I saw the uniform I thought you're another zombie."
Leon: "So what?? When I saw the dress I thought you're a prostitute, yet I still don't shoot you!"

Nemesis: "UMBRELLAAAAAA!!!"

Chris: "I lost all my men because of her!!!"
Leon: "And I lost over seventy thousand people, including the president and Helena's sister, because of Simmons."
Chris: "Er... well... SH!T HAPPENS!" *laughs his ass off*

 

[Flipqy42]

Jill: Jill Valentine, Alpha Team, RPD STARS unit.
Carlos: STARS? So you're not a hooker?

Wesker: Seven minutes, seven minutes is all I can spare to play with you.
Chris: Okay, I'll set up the xbox for Call of Duty.
Jill: I'd prefer to play Halo.
Sheva: How about Resident Evil 5?
Wesker: *facepalm*

Sheva: I thought they were partners.
Chris: Wesker never cares about anyone other than himself.
Wesker: That's not true! I love my adorable little kitty, Mr. Whiskers.

Ada: I just found out, John's dead.
Leon: F*** yeah! I have a shot now!

Rebecca: What happened with Wesker?
Chris: He's sleeping with the ultimate failure.
Rebecca: Kim Kardashian?

 

[Fenris]

Leon: "Who are you Ada?"
Ada: "Fine... if you must know... My real name is Tara Smith. I'm from San Diego California, living on the 2175 W Califorina Street and I'm working as a secret spy for a company called "The Organization" that is actually responsable for all the pain and suffering from the previous years. The headquarters are located in New York City on the Housten Street. But please, be a dear and don't tell it anyone would you?"

 

[Hel]

Jake and Sherry just walk away from meeting the BSAA in Edonia.
Sherry: "Say, Jake..." *looks back to Chris and Piers* "Who of them do you think has the biggest c0ck?"
Jake: O___O

Jake just pulled a shard of a broken helicopter out of Sherry’s back and her wound healed rather quickly.
Jake: "WTF? You have to explain that to me!"
Sherry: "I have healing powers."
Jake: "You’re tougher than you look!"
Sherry: "Well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And anything is possible after a cozy night with the Ustanak."
Jake: O___O

Jake: "What happened to your father?"
Sherry: "His research killed him."
Jake: "Sorry, I didn’t mean to..."
Sherry: "… after he impregnated me by sticking that huge thing in my mouth."
Jake: O___O
(True story)

 

[Mr Sunshine]

Wesker: if you don't cooperate I'm going to kill your family.
Barry: Well, my marriage only occured to cover up my true sexuality. Also, the kids are not mine.
Wesker: And then I'm going to cut off your beard.
Barry: OH NO, NOT THE BEARD. *betrays jill*

 

[Hel]

Sherry: "Your mum is so ugly, she gets arrested for scandalisation when she looks out of the window!"
Claire: "Your mum is so ugly that only a mutated freak with a huge eye where his arm should be was keen on marrying her... Stop crying, you started it!"

Wesker: "The right to be a god... That right is now mine."
Chris: *sleepy voice* "Damn it, Berty, it's in the middle of the night! Stop playing god in front of the mirror and come back to bed already."

Leon: "I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt."
Ashley: "I knew you'd be fine as long as your hairstyle is."

Jill: "Playing the piano will open the wall. But playing on Chris's flute will open his heart."
*Screens turns white*
*Two options appear*

 

[Flipqy42]

Leon: I'm under the President's order to rescue you.
Ashley: What? My father?
Leon: No, the other President, you dumb b*tch.

Salazar: I've sent my right hand to dispose of you.
Leon: Your right hand comes off?
Salazar: RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leon: You have a lot of anger for your small size.

Wesker: I think we lost the zombie dogs. Now, lets go into the dark scary mansion so you can be test subjects.
Jill: What was that Wesker?
Wesker: Nothing. I said, we must go into the mansion for safety and nothing else.
Barry: There's someone watching us.
Chris: Excuse me sir? Have you seen the Bravo team?
Wesker: You idiot. That thing has no face. It's that creature, what was it called? Thin Man? Tentacle Man? Great Faceless One?
Barry: Whoever he is, he sure is slender.
Wesker: Slender Man! That was its name.
Jill: Oh god, it's slightly closer. We better run for it.
Joseph: Come back for me you @ssholes! I'm still alive! The dogs only ripped some of me to shreds!

Simmons: Come back to me Ada! I loved you!
Leon: You're into older guys?
Ada: No, I just slept with him once, and all of a sudden we're soul mates. It was even good, he finished prematurely.
Leon: lol
Simmons: I'll kill you both slowly!
Ada: Are you sure you won't finish prematurely again?

Chris: Okay, we're in China now. If the next Resident Evil game takes place in Australia, then we would have been to every continent.
Leon: Awesome. I've always wanted to shoot a zombie kangaroo.
Claire: Can me and Jill come?
Chris: F*** no. Australia is guys' country.
Jill: Bullsh*t. I need some action. You've made me stay in bed since Africa and you made Claire not go with Terra Save to bio hazards. Let us girls handle things from now on.
Leon: Wasn't Ada and Sherry enough?

 

[svp]

Boulder: ".............."
Lisa: so..wana have some fun knowin that we're alone down here?
Boulder:" ........."
Lisa: he likes me! im not ugly (troll face) (drooolz)
Boulder: (cracks)

 

[Fenris]

Jill: "I really hope this new bio-weapon is just a rumor"
Chris: "Yeah sure Jill... Where have you been the last games, that makes you think that?!"


Luis: "Me llamo Luis Sera"
Leon: "Sorry. I don't speak French "

Chris: "We can't just leave you here!"
Jill: "You have to! This is your only chance! If Wesker succeeds, Uroboros will be spread across the globe! Millions will die!"
Chris:" Okay... See ya!"
*Jill hears the lickers entering the room"
Jill: "My life sucks..."

Leon: "Claire! Stop the train!"
Claire: "I can't the door to the control panel is still locked!"
Leon: "WHAT?!"
Claire: "Are you deaf?! I can't open the door! You have to be killed by Birkin!"
Leon: "NOOO *dies*

 

[Storyofmylife]

Billy: Rebecca, are you okay?
Rebecca: Yeah, just incredibly high... did you see that pink bunny? Sh!t was hilarious.

Leon: Besides, you're starting to grow on me a bit.
Helena: F*ck off you perv! *maces Leon* I'm younger than Sherry OLD MAN, ever thought of THAT?!

 

[Flipqy42]

HUNK: Doctor, we're here to collect the G-virus sample.
Birkin: F*** you! I wasted all my life on this sh*t! I emotionally abandoned my own daughter and wife and you expect me to give you this for free? You'll get the G-virus for no less than $5000000.
USS agent: What should we do, HUNK?
HUNK: Light this b*tch up. *HUNK and USS agent fire at Birkin*

Ada: Ada, Ada Wong.
Annette: Ada Wong, I've heard that name before. Now I remember. My husband William f***ed some Asian b*tch named Ada Wong. *Sees Sherry's Pendant* First you f***ed my husband and now you've stolen my daughter's pendant? Die whore!
Ada: I didn't know he was married. And I found this pendant lying on the ground with some purple fluid in it.
*Annette shoots Ada*

*Ada meets up with Leon and Helena*
Ada: What's this Leon? Another woman? God, how many are you going to f***? First me, then that Claire, then Manuela, then Ashley, then Angela, then me again, then Sherry when she became of age, then my doppelganger, and now Helena?
Leon: My relationship with Helena is strictly professional.
Ada: That's what you said about all the others.
Helena: I'm not even attracted to you, Leon.
Ada: You will be dear. They all fall for the hair.
Leon: My hair is in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most awesome, super spectacular hair in the world.
*Dante arrives*
Dante: Great. First I'm replaced by some whiny, emo punk and then Leon beats me by having better hair than me.
Helena: Hey handsome. You want to get some pizza?
Dante: Hell yeah!

 

[Hel]

@ Flipqy: I started looking into the Devil May Cry series recently, otherwise I probably wouldn't get the pizza joke. Ha ha!

Chris frees Jill from the cell Wesker locked her up in.
Jill: "Chris! I knew you'd come!" *runs into his arms*
Chris: "Eeeeww, yuck!" *shakes her off*

Leon: "Ashley, HEEEEEELLLPP!"

Irving got away again.
Chris: "Damn it! Sheva, next time you put on your sexy amazon costume and infatuate him a little, so he's distracted and I can go catch him."
Sheva: "Forget it, he's gay."
Chris: "... Okay, then you catch him and I put on the amazon costume."
(Oh, I'd love to see that!)

The ceiling is coming down above Jill.
Jill: "Barry, help me please! The door won't open! Quick!"
Barry: "Stay away from the door, Jill, I'm going to kick it in!"
Jill: "What?"
Barry: "I said stay away from the door, because..."
Jill: "Yeah, I got that part, but you can't do that! The beautiful door!"
Barry: "Jill?"
Jill: "Barry? I'm still a cop, you know, I can arrest you for domestic disturbance and vandalism, so be careful!"
Barry: "Er..."
Ceiling: *crush*
Barry: "Hmmm, a Jill sandwich!"

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Wesker: Hey Chris, want to take a ride of my disco stick?

Schwang wang wang.

Woah, is Helena really younger than Sherry? Really?

 

[Storyofmylife]

Woah, is Helena really younger than Sherry? Really?

Yeah, I found that surprising too with how mature Helena is. She's only 24, meanwhile Sherry is 27. I think it's shocking to most because last time we saw Sherry she was just a kid and she still sounds like one.

 

[Evil Yuna]

*Ada meets up with Leon and Helena*
Ada: What's this Leon? Another woman? God, how many are you going to f***? First me, then that Claire, then Manuela, then Ashley, then Angela, then me again, then Sherry when she became of age, then my doppelganger, and now Helena?
Leon: My relationship with Helena is strictly professional.
Ada: That's what you said about all the others.
Helena: I'm not even attracted to you, Leon.
Ada: You will be dear. They all fall for the hair.
Leon: My hair is in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most awesome, super spectacular hair in the world.
*Dante arrives*
Dante: Great. First I'm replaced by some whiny, emo punk and then Leon beats me by having better hair than me.
Helena: Hey handsome. You want to get some pizza?
Dante: Hell yeah![/quote]

This is brilliant.Congrats.

 

[Turo602]

Jake Muller: I'm straight.

 

[Evil Yuna]

Jake: You put a leash on that puppy.

Piers: Grrrrrrrr woof!!!

Chris: 0_o