All right. I have fifteen minutes to write something about potatoes, barnacles, and dangerous.
I can do this.
Gather 'round, children. Meg's going to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a potato named Tim. Tim lived on a farm near a river and was a really hard worker. He raised all sorts of animals on his farm: chickens, cows, pigs, humans, and sheep. One day, when he was watering his crops, a barnacle came floating down the river on a plank of wood. Tim thought this was odd, so he rolled over to see what was going on. Tim called out the barnacle to ask why it was floating down his river. The barnacle replied: "A'hoy matey! I am the mighty pirate captain Barney the Buccaneer Barnacle! And I have come to take your cows and chicken and sheep and pigs and all yer crops!
Tim was felt rather perturbed about this. But before he did anything, he calmly asked: "How? You're just on a plank of wood. How to you plan to steal all of my animals and crops if all you have is a plank of wood?"
Barney thought about this for a moment. He realized he had no idea how his plan would work, but he spent way to much time playing Assassin's Creed IV, and now he is very violent and wants nothing more than to re-inact what he did in the game. So he leapt off his mighty plank of wood and landed next to Tim.
"Argh!" Barney said. "Be dangerous ground ye walking on. Don't mess with me! Hand over your belongin's and no one will get hurt.
"No." Tim replied and pulled out a shotgun. He shot Barney and took his plank of wood.
The End.
What about shortening it down to "global titties? 
