Can Men and Women be Just Friends?

[bSTAR_182]

Obviously it is not impossible for a man and a woman to just simply be friends but umm... more times than not it just seems like there are some ulterior motives/feelings at least before the friendship really takes place (i.e. before they realize that it will not work out romantically with one another). There almost always seems to be some form of attraction at first (though not always reciprocated by the other) based off of scenarios bewtween me and my friends. I know a few of my girlfriends who have guy-friends that they slept with/dated before they actually became good friends. I suppose if they can get past that feeling of rejection and behave like a good friend would then it could happen.

For me personally, I find that most guys don't want to "hang out" as friends would, unless they think they can get past the friend zone- especially now that we are adults and are basically looking for that sexual (possibly life long) companion.

I do have one guy-friend, however, who actually seems to be somewhat of an acception because most of his close friends are female (from what I can tell). That being said, there are times where I think that he likes me but knows I don't see him in that same way so he doesn't push for anything... so in a way there is that whole ulterior motive scenario where he could just be hoping that 'one day'. As it stands right now our friendship reminds me of Fraiser and Roz from the show Fraiser... But they slept together!

Now I just confused/convinced myself that no, no men and women can not be friends dammit.

 

[Hel]

I have several male friends I never was and never will be interested in, so think of me as the living proof that it's possible. Men and women are not that different after all, the concept of gender is just totally overrated.

 

[bSTAR_182]

I have several male friends I never was and never will be interested in, so think of me as the living proof that it's possible. Men and women are not that different after all, the concept of gender is just totally overrated.

Yeah but do you know if they were ever interested/attracted to you at one point?

 

[Hel]

If you had ever seen my scary mug, you wouldn't ask this question. But that aside, does it really matter? We're still friends, have been for years, and whether or not one person is attracted to the other doesn't change that in my opinion as long as they don't act on their feelings.

Also, some of my male friends are not interested in women at all, but they're still men, so... yeah. As I said, sex/gender is overrated. If two people like each other, they like each other. If they love each other, they love each other. And if they don't, then fine. I find it hard to imagine that there must always be some kind of romantic/sexual attraction between (straight) people of opposite sexes, as if that was a rule. Because sometimes there just isn't anything.

 

[bSTAR_182]

If you had ever seen my scary mug, you wouldn't ask this question. But that aside, does it really matter? We're still friends, have been for years, and whether or not one person is attracted to the other doesn't change that in my opinion as long as they don't act on their feelings.

Also, some of my male friends are not interested in women at all, but they're still men, so... yeah. As I said, sex/gender is overrated. If two people like each other, they like each other. If they love each other, they love each other. And if they don't, then fine. I find it hard to imagine that there must always be some kind of romantic/sexual attraction between (straight) people of opposite sexes, as if that was a rule. Because sometimes there just isn't anything.

I'm sure you're being hard on yourself! But to answer your question, with respect to your views, yes it does essentially matter because that's where the relationship between two individuals can get rocky- if they have or had that sexual attraction for the other person (speaking in general).

I do see what you are saying though and the fact that you and your guy-friends got past that whole stage to the point where you can talk and hangout on a regular basis is awesome.

But as has been stressed before, this is the sort of study that needs to be viewed case-by-case because there are different factors with every scenario.

 

[KennedyKiller]

Eh, I mean sure. I don't think it's uncommon at all. However, human jealousy I think plays more of a factor here than anything. We're territorial creatures, and the human mind will always imagine the worst possible thing. So it's harder for people to be "Just Friends" when you're in a relationship simply because of the partner. An understandably so. This isn't a stab the life of having a significant other. I love my wife to death, so I can understand how she can get a little worried over me hanging out with another girl. I can see why a man would be worried about the same thing. My wife doesn't get along with people very well in general, but REALLY doesn't with other women. So most of her friends are male. I don't ever worry about her being unfaithful. I do get slightly jealous, just because it means splitting her time. But that's human.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Obviously it is not impossible for a man and a woman to just simply be friends but umm... more times than not it just seems like there are some ulterior motives/feelings at least before the friendship really takes place (i.e. before they realize that it will not work out romantically with one another). There almost always seems to be some form of attraction at first (though not always reciprocated by the other) based off of scenarios bewtween me and my friends. I know a few of my girlfriends who have guy-friends that they slept with/dated before they actually became good friends. I suppose if they can get past that feeling of rejection and behave like a good friend would then it could happen.

For me personally, I find that most guys don't want to "hang out" as friends would, unless they think they can get past the friend zone- especially now that we are adults and are basically looking for that sexual (possibly life long) companion.

Now I just confused/convinced myself that no, no men and women can not be friends dammit.

I feel like you've lived my life.

 

[Tron8]

For the most part i don't believe so. When two people are good friends there's always going to be moments of vulnerability. In those moments people will seek out those closest to them. If friends are there for you enough in your moments of weakness there's bound to be some sort of attraction.

Even though this is an over generalization most men just want sex. I think it boils down to a primitive hunter/gatherer situation. Don't get me wrong would i enjoy being friends with a female? Absolutely, that would bring me much joy. I just don't believe it's very common.

 

[Romero]

I didn't have any female friends in my teens, but in the mid twenties I re-discovered how nice women can be as friends. Yes it's possible for men and women to be just friends. I can't say how how common it is, but I'm sure it's not unique. I do think that - and I've heard women say the same thing - that the opposite sex can make excellent friends.

Even though this is an over generalization most men just want sex.

I don't think this is true? It could be the few that gives the rest of us a bad rep.

 

[Angel]

I'd say it is possible but with a few provisos, if you like.

For example, if the other person is gay then superduper lets go nuts and just be friends. Ain't nobody turning nobody to the other side, so it's all good.

If marriage is part of the equation then presuming you're not a complete knob-end, you would respect those boundaries and keep them as such - something like that may require a little effort if you happen to be attracted to the other person but it can be done.

Acknowledge that flirting will happen regardless because men and women are kind of hardwired to go in for all that stuff even if they don't mean to do it.

Also acknowledge that flirting remains harmless up to a certain point and then after that you need to be reassessing whether your priorities, morals and standards are in order.

There are men I am friends with that no amount of alcohol could make attractive to me and so I can spend lots of time with them (they are husbands of my friends) and feel nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

HOWEVER I am speaking from a married point of view, which naturally affects how I see men, whether they are married or not. I am genuinely not interested in anyone but my husband, but for single women there is less of a restriction there (based on what I can recall from being single). As a singleton, the playing field is wide open, I guess.

As a single woman pre-marriage, there were those I could be really good friends with but has ZERO attraction to. But then there were those for whom the attraction existed and that complicated things.

tl;dr, I don't know. I personally think as a married woman it is easier to establish and maintain boundaries. As a single woman/man, I would imagine it is significantly more blurred...

 

[tremor]

Well...my best friend is male and we've been just friends for over twenty years. Now, whether or not he's ever had feelings for me beyond friendship, I don't know but I've never felt anything more than friendship for him. Now he's engaged and has a kid so...if he ever did feel anything more for me, well I guess he gave up at some point lol.

My mother and his mother still maintain that they would've preferred that this child of his had been mine and his..but that's because they can't stand his fiance. Neither can I for that matter LOL.

 

[MartinMilk]

I'm gay so most of my friends are female. I find it hard to have a friendship with males.. sadly

 

[aintnoscrub]

Absolutely, it has to be from both sides though. Otherwise it's just being friend zoned

 

[JaguarsSoul]

"As I said, sex/gender isoverrated. If two people like each other, they like each other. If they love each other, they love each other. And if they don't, then fine. I find it hard to imagine that there must always be some kind of romantic/sexual attraction between (straight) people of opposite sexes, as if that was a rule. Because sometimes there just isn't anything."

@Hel Amen. This entire "can males and females be friends without feeling some overrated attraction to the other" is, in my opinion, a very bizarre and a very old topic. Not to mention that it's a tad bit annoying to hear things like, "oh, I can be friends w a member of the ''opposite'' sex", as long as they're gay, haha!". Like, I doubt homosexual people look at people of the same gender and be like,"boy would I want to eat her up" all the time. I'm bisexual myself, and rest assured I don't want to **** everyone I come across with.

The entire concept of (heterosexual) men and women not being able to be just friends is made up by a society that heavily ecourages heteronormativity to the point where one could say that the pressure of people having to hook up with others of the ''opposite'' gender is being pushed down their throats. I mean, look around you. Nearly all ads show men and women together. Same goes to movies and other forms of media. And god forbid this not being the case, you can easily find masses discussing whether said movie/series/books/whatever is some sort of femnazi propaganda, as we've seen with several Disney movies already.

Like, if heteronormative relationships are so heavily indoctrinated into us from an early age, I can say it is only natural to doubt whether men and women truly indeed can be "just friends".

But that's just my two cents.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

"As I said, sex/gender isoverrated. If two people like each other, they like each other. If they love each other, they love each other. And if they don't, then fine. I find it hard to imagine that there must always be some kind of romantic/sexual attraction between (straight) people of opposite sexes, as if that was a rule. Because sometimes there just isn't anything."

@Hel Amen. This entire "can males and females be friends without feeling some overrated attraction to the other" is, in my opinion, a very bizarre and a very old topic. Not to mention that it's a tad bit annoying to hear things like, "oh, I can be friends w a member of the ''opposite'' sex", as long as they're gay, haha!". Like, I doubt homosexual people look at people of the same gender and be like,"boy would I want to eat her up" all the time. I'm bisexual myself, and rest assured I don't want to **** everyone I come across with.

The entire concept of (heterosexual) men and women not being able to be just friends is made up by a society that heavily ecourages heteronormativity to the point where one could say that the pressure of people having to hook up with others of the ''opposite'' gender is being pushed down their throats. I mean, look around you. Nearly all ads show men and women together. Same goes to movies and other forms of media. And god forbid this not being the case, you can easily find masses discussing whether said movie/series/books/whatever is some sort of femnazi propaganda, as we've seen with several Disney movies already.

Like, if heteronormative relationships are so heavily indoctrinated into us from an early age, I can say it is only natural to doubt whether men and women truly indeed can be "just friends".

But that's just my two cents.

You're in university, aren't you?

 

[KevinStriker]

To give a relatively short answer that doesn't aim to analyze societal and cultural norms:
Yes, both a man and a woman can be just friends, but I also think attraction is the basis for any sort of friendship. Not necessarily romantic or sexual, but certainly platonic, at least.

 

[JaguarsSoul]

You're in university, aren't you?

College, yes. Why?

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Because I haven't seen/used the word 'heteronormative' since uni, aha.