Resident Evil: Darkness Falls

[Loki]

OK, this is my first fan fiction ever and my first piece of creative writing I've done since my GCSE's, but I thought I would give it a go after reading Story's fan fiction today. So far I've only uploaded the first chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8784459/1/Resident-Evil-Darkness-Falls

 

[Storyofmylife]

Ah, I like it... especially the title. Is this 19 year old BSAA officer based on someone you know very personally? Keep up the good work.

 

[AgentZero]

From what I read I liked it. However, you need to have chapters about 10 minutes longer. (Of course it dosen't really matter since you can't publish this, but this is coming from someone who tries to write for a living, so ya.) You also need to explain what the places, and characters look like. Hope this helps.

 

[Loki]

Ah, I like it... especially the title. Is this 19 year old BSAA officer based on someone you know very personally? Keep up the good work.

Haha, you know I didn't even realize that lol

From what I read I liked it. However, you need to have chapters about 10 minutes longer. (Of course it dosen't really matter since you can't publish this, but this is coming from someone who tries to write for a living, so ya.) You also need to explain what the places, and characters look like. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the help

 

[AgentZero]

Haha, you know I didn't even realize that lol



Thanks for the help

Glad I could.

 

[Hel]

I like your style of writing so far, and also that you put in the "running gag" about Claire causing outbreaks wherever she goes. I don't have anything to complain about but two minor issues:

Claire estimated his age to be around nineteen years old, due to his small stature and physique.

Firstly, leave out the "years old", and secondly, most people don't grow anymore at that age. He wouldn't be any taller or broader at 25, so judging his age by the size and physique doesn't make sense in this case. It would if he was about five years younger.

Then, you and I have a disease in common: the MSS, also known as Monster Sentence Syndrome. Look at this:

Claire followed the man to a wide marble lobby which seemed to contrast the very modern glass exterior of the building, two elevators were placed on each side of the room, he swiped his card on one of the readers and the door to the elevator on the other side of the room slid open, "that's an inconvenience" Claire thought, they both walked back across the room towards the open doors.

That's just one too long sentence. A few breathing pauses now and then would make it more comfortable to read, like for example:

Claire followed the man to a wide marble lobby which seemed to contrast the very modern glass exterior of the building. Full stop. Two elevators were placed on each side of the room. Full stop. He swiped his card on one of the readers and the door to the elevator on the other side of the room slid open. Full stop.
"That's an inconvenience", Claire thought. Full stop.
They both walked back across the room towards the open doors.

But other than that, I like what I read so far, and I'm now "following" your story on fanfiction.net to see what you will make of it.

 

[Loki]

I like your style of writing so far, and also that you put in the "running gag" about Claire causing outbreaks wherever she goes. I don't have anything to complain about but two minor issues:



Firstly, leave out the "years old", and secondly, most people don't grow anymore at that age. He wouldn't be any taller or broader at 25, so judging his age by the size and physique doesn't make sense in this case. It would if he was about five years younger.

Then, you and I have a disease in common: the MSS, also known as Monster Sentence Syndrome. Look at this:



That's just one too long sentence. A few breathing pauses now and then would make it more comfortable to read, like for example:

Claire followed the man to a wide marble lobby which seemed to contrast the very modern glass exterior of the building. Full stop. Two elevators were placed on each side of the room. Full stop. He swiped his card on one of the readers and the door to the elevator on the other side of the room slid open. Full stop.
"That's an inconvenience", Claire thought. Full stop.
They both walked back across the room towards the open doors.

But other than that, I like what I read so far, and I'm now "following" your story on fanfiction.net to see what you will make of it.

Ah, Thanks very much. I'll have to change that, I didn't even realise I made that one long sentence. hehe

 

[AgentZero]

I like your style of writing so far, and also that you put in the "running gag" about Claire causing outbreaks wherever she goes. I don't have anything to complain about but two minor issues:



Firstly, leave out the "years old", and secondly, most people don't grow anymore at that age. He wouldn't be any taller or broader at 25, so judging his age by the size and physique doesn't make sense in this case. It would if he was about five years younger.

Then, you and I have a disease in common: the MSS, also known as Monster Sentence Syndrome. Look at this:



That's just one too long sentence. A few breathing pauses now and then would make it more comfortable to read, like for example:

Claire followed the man to a wide marble lobby which seemed to contrast the very modern glass exterior of the building. Full stop. Two elevators were placed on each side of the room. Full stop. He swiped his card on one of the readers and the door to the elevator on the other side of the room slid open. Full stop.
"That's an inconvenience", Claire thought. Full stop.
They both walked back across the room towards the open doors.

But other than that, I like what I read so far, and I'm now "following" your story on fanfiction.net to see what you will make of it.

I completely missed that whole sentance. Can I ask why you need to leave out "The years old"?

 

[Hel]

Because the short form of "Claire estimated his age to be nineteen years old" would be "Claire thinks his age is nineteen years old". That sounds strange. You can say either "He is nineteen years old" or "His age is nineteen", but not "His age is nineteen years old". I never heard or read that before.

 

[MetalGamer2]

From what I read I liked it. However, you need to have chapters about 10 minutes longer.

Even if you were to publish a work, I'm pretty sure there's no "standard" chapter length. I'm currently reading through Stephen King's "Misery" and some of the chapters in that book are barely one page in length, while others take atleast 10 or 20 minutes to read.

Taking a note from Stephen King, I'd say the length of a chapter should be whatever the writer deems appropriate

 

[AgentZero]

Even if you were to publish a work, I'm pretty sure there's no "standard" chapter length. I'm currently reading through Stephen King's "Misery" and some of the chapters in that book are barely one page in length, while others take atleast 10 or 20 minutes to read.

Taking a note from Stephen King, I'd say the length of a chapter should be whatever the writer deems appropriate

There is not certain time. But I just don't like to read a chapter that only has two minutes or less of reading.

No offense Loki.

 

[Loki]

There is not certain time. But I just don't like to read a chapter that only has two minutes or less of reading.

No offense Loki.

That's OK, I just don't want to write a book lol I don't really have time to be writing much, considering my exams are in February. I think all the chapters will end up being pretty short.

 

[AgentZero]

Its cool. Like I said, your not publishing it.