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I need some Advice...

KennedyKiller

KennedyKiller

Super Saiyan Member
Premium
I don't usually do this, but I need some unbiased opinions. For those of you that don't know, I'm almost 20. I cut my parents out of my life when I was 16. I ran away. Lived on the streets. Found a job. Got an apartment. Did everything from the ground up without their help. Hell, without even SPEAKING to them. But now...Now I find myself holding my baby girl, and I Wonder if I should get back into Contact with them. My reasons for leaving I find just. I was an abused child. But 4 years is a long time to hold a grudge. Instinct is telling me to leave 'em by the side of the road. F*ck 'em. They never did sh*t to help you. But my heart says they're your parents. And you need to show them you're ok. What do you guys think.
 
First I've gotta commend you for seeing through all your struggles and getting sh!t done for yourself, that's awesome. A lot of people make excuses(myself included) and let time pass, so I've just gotta give props for getting things straight! As for your question, I don't know all the details of what went down with you and your parents, and I wouldn't ask because frankly its none of my business. But as you said four years is a long time to hold a grudge, albeit a justifiable one. I don't think it would hurt to give 'em a ring and let them know that you're doing okay. Trust your gut, you'll know what to do. Let us know how everything turns out man.
 
If it were me, I'd say **** 'em. There are just some things that can't be forgiven. But ultimately, that's up to you to decide. I don't know what you've been through, so I can't really determine what it is you feel exactly. It's easy for anyone to say everyone deserves a second chance when it's not them who lived through the abuse and torment. It's your call, your vision for your child.
 
Well I suppose it depends on what happened and what kind of abuse we're talking about. Neglectful maybe? Honestly, I think you should give them a second chance. We don't get the parents we want, we get the ones we're dealt. I didn't speak to my mother for about 8 months a couple of years back. I had planned to never speak to her again, but eventually I realized I wasn't growing to be a good person...I was turning bitter and I always told myself I wouldn't. And so, I gave in and we finally talked again. There is probably a lot of pain in you about whatever has gone down with you and your parents. The simple fact that you're open minded enough to think about it, it kind of tells me that you want it to happen and that you still care about them. I think you should go for it.
 
Like others have said, there is a limit to our understanding of the situation because, quite rightly, it's none of our business what went on between you and your parents.

That said, having a child of your own can do interesting things to a person and sometimes you look at your kid and wonder how anyone could ever want to cause them that much upset but at the same time, how would you feel if your child turned away from you and didn't speak to you again. It's weird...but I would tentatively suggest that it may be worth getting back in touch (from a distance, of course, via email or similar as opposed to just rocking up one day) and testing the waters. The fact you are thinking about it shows there may be something salvageable there? If not, their loss...but as you have not had anything to do with one another in 4 years, it may be worth seeing if time has had any effect on your parents and how you guys get along.

Abuse is horrible in any circumstances and when it's from someone you are supposed to be able to trust and who is supposed to love you and care for you, it seems a million times worse. But speaking from my own experience, sometimes it can take a break before both parties are able to even see the truth of what happened and maybe be able to find some resolution and closure. It takes courage to make the first step.

If you decide not to do this, you're not a coward, by the way. If you felt your reasons for leaving were just then your reasons for staying away are also justified to that effect. Whatever you decide, @Aleck is right - bitterness will be a bigger enemy than anything else in your life if you let it get to you. Even if you cannot get in touch, it's worth forgiving your parents whether they know about it or not. Don't forget, forgiveness is not a feeling, it's an act of the will - you don't have to feel all fluffy inside towards them or even like them. But forgiving someone who has wronged you takes the bite out of the memories and releases you as a person. My abuser died before being confronted - but I still forgave him (took a LONG time though) and now I can honestly look back on those parts of my life and whilst the memory isn't gone, it doesn't hurt or evoke any anger or sense of injustice.

In any case, you have a child now and if nothing else you can be the father to her that you wanted for yourself :)
 
I see where you're coming from. It's a pretty tough call to make, and I remember talking to you on the phone when you were 17 and you told me that you had just left.
I would probably send them a letter. Just put it in there mailbox without the address. Let them know you're alright, but at the same time . . . You got your own life now and if they were abusive and didn't care for you, I would just leave it at that.
 
I think now you have gained your independence you can allow those back into your life.
It's not like you have to stay with them now after all that's happened, you're your own person so if they start you can just say "hold on a minute, I have tried"
Be the bigger person.

Also I'm sorry to hear about your past, I'm glad to hear that you (seem to) have came out on top.
You have my up most respect.
 
Forgiving someone for wronging you and letting them back in your life are two different things. You can let go of a four-year grudge without getting back into contact with the people in question and allowing them near your daughter. Donating the necessities for life and actually stepping up and being a parent by creating the loving and nurturing environment needed for a child's development are also vastly different.

In other words, "parent" means little depending on the circumstances, especially in the case of abuse.

I'm happy that you're in a good place and that you feel as though you can let your childhood go and come out a better person. I know how hard it is to let go of the wrongdoings of parents, hell I'm not even at the forgiving stage you are, but this is more than your relationship with your parents. You feel you owe them because they gave you life but you honestly owe your daughter more.

I would just say to think long and hard about your next step and think about how your parents' influence could affect your child, whether positively or negatively. The real question I guess is would a reconciliation on your part with your parents negatively affect your daughter? Could they somehow hurt her the way they hurt you? If you do decide to make an effort, an impersonal way of contact might work best first; a letter, an email, etc and you can go from there depending on their response.
 
KennedyKiller said:
I don't usually do this, but I need some unbiased opinions. For those of you that don't know, I'm almost 20. I cut my parents out of my life when I was 16. I ran away. Lived on the streets. Found a job. Got an apartment. Did everything from the ground up without their help. Hell, without even SPEAKING to them. But now...Now I find myself holding my baby girl, and I Wonder if I should get back into Contact with them. My reasons for leaving I find just. I was an abused child. But 4 years is a long time to hold a grudge. Instinct is telling me to leave 'em by the side of the road. F*ck 'em. They never did sh*t to help you. But my heart says they're your parents. And you need to show them you're ok. What do you guys think.
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Talk to them. Honestly, just do it. You'll probably spend the rest of your life pondering what could have been. I can empathise with you regarding the abuse (my mother and I are victims of domestic violence), but as they're your parents just letting them know that you're well, with your own family, is showing that you're the decent human being in this situation. If they don't want to talk to you, then that's that; you tried, they didn't. You'll be showing more compassion for them in a few moments than they did in your childhood.

Abuse is impossible to forget, even more impossible to forgive. Never forget what happened, I sure as hell don't. For the past seven or eight years, I've lived with the events that happened to me and I'm going to have to talk to a judge, addressing an opposition lawyer, about EVERY minute detail, every date that I can remember. I can remember every date (December 13th, 2007; October 21st, 2008; October 22nd, 2010; July 13th, 2011; November 15th, 2012), every location (our home; the Hilton, Marko Island, Florida; our home; our Floridian house; our home; our home, respectively), every detail (how he reared his fist to me; how he grabbed my collar and then tossed me onto a bed; how he grabbed my mother's arm and severely bruised it before rearing his fist; how he chased me out of my own house; how he trapped my mother to a sofa by pinning her arms). Yet I have to show this man (not my father; parents divorced for seven years) compassion by not antagonising him, not provoking him, not screaming at him for what he's done. I wish I could, but I'm a person; I have empathy and compassion, things that this psychopath lacks.

By showing your parents that you have empathy and emotions, you're showing just how grown up you've become since leaving. I'm 20 this October and I can never imagine what you've gone through by living on the streets (contrasting to you, I've had a comfortable life) and fending for yourself.

Try and talk to them. If they push you away, your conscience is intact and better than you've felt before.
 
This may or may not help, I don't know. Obviously you won't forget what happened, that's a fact. But it seems to me that the fact that you're considering getting back in contact shows that a part of you wants to do it. I would make sure you do it for the right reasons though, and not because you feel somehow obligated to include your parents. It has to be what you want, for yourself and your daughter. You could perhaps test the waters yourself first, see if things go well, before you introduce them to your daughter. If you do decide to go ahead with it, like everyone else I suggest you take it slow, see how it pans out as you go along. As others have said, start with something like a letter or an email, see the response and then decide from there. Obviously, it's a decision only you can make. But you're a level-headed guy. I know you'll make the best decision for your family.
 
ChrisRedfield1994 said:
Talk to them. Honestly, just do it. You'll probably spend the rest of your life pondering what could have been. I can empathise with you regarding the abuse (my mother and I are victims of domestic violence), but as they're your parents just letting them know that you're well, with your own family, is showing that you're the decent human being in this situation. If they don't want to talk to you, then that's that; you tried, they didn't. You'll be showing more compassion for them in a few moments than they did in your childhood.

Abuse is impossible to forget, even more impossible to forgive. Never forget what happened, I sure as hell don't. For the past seven or eight years, I've lived with the events that happened to me and I'm going to have to talk to a judge, addressing an opposition lawyer, about EVERY minute detail, every date that I can remember. I can remember every date (December 13th, 2007; October 21st, 2008; October 22nd, 2010; July 13th, 2011; November 15th, 2012), every location (our home; the Hilton, Marko Island, Florida; our home; our Floridian house; our home; our home, respectively), every detail (how he reared his fist to me; how he grabbed my collar and then tossed me onto a bed; how he grabbed my mother's arm and severely bruised it before rearing his fist; how he chased me out of my own house; how he trapped my mother to a sofa by pinning her arms). Yet I have to show this man (not my father; parents divorced for seven years) compassion by not antagonising him, not provoking him, not screaming at him for what he's done. I wish I could, but I'm a person; I have empathy and compassion, things that this psychopath lacks.

By showing your parents that you have empathy and emotions, you're showing just how grown up you've become since leaving. I'm 20 this October and I can never imagine what you've gone through by living on the streets (contrasting to you, I've had a comfortable life) and fending for yourself.

Try and talk to them. If they push you away, your conscience is intact and better than you've felt before.
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This actually sounds better opposed to mine.
 
You guys have given me a lot of insight. Really, I've been thinking thoughts very similar to what most of you have put in writing, but I wasn't sure if I should be even considering this yet. Well...Guess I have to do some long and hard thinking...
 
KennedyKiller said:
You guys have given me a lot of insight. Really, I've been thinking thoughts very similar to what most of you have put in writing, but I wasn't sure if I should be even considering this yet. Well...Guess I have to do some long and hard thinking...
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I hope everything pans out man. I truly mean that.
I may only know you over the computer, but a lot of people on here I truly care for. And you're one of them.
 
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