Let's laugh

KevinStriker

"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it?"
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#41
A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks the trio.
"I'll have a pint," the man says. "Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich. "I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "but I ain't buying."
"Right," the bartender says, "that'll be $12.75."
The man nods, and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out exactly $12.75 without counting it, and then another $1.55 for tip. He and his animals go find a table.
Later, the three return to the bar. They order a cider, a Ginger Ale, and another scotch, that again the cat isn't paying for. The bartender declares it to be $13.50, and the man pulls that from his pocket without looking at it, and then drops $1.65 for tip.
This goes on for a few rounds, with the bartender naming the price, and the man not even counting his money. Talking animals is one thing, the bartender thought, but this... this is new.
"How are you doing that?" the bartender says as the man pays for another round of drinks. "With the money, that is."
The man nods, a bit drunk, and feeling talkative anyways. "So, this one time," he begins, "I went to a local discount store."
"Now, in this store, I find a lamp. Bit dented, bit dirty, but it's a buck and I figure I'll take it. I bring it home, go to clean it up, and sure enough, out pops a genie!"
The man gives pause for effect, but again, the bartender is used to this sort of thing, and waits patiently for the punchline. "Right," the man continues, "so this genie, he offers me three wishes..."
"For my first wish, I wished to be able to always reach into my front pocket, and pull out exactly whatever money I need to buy whatever I want." The man shrugged. "Be it a pint or a car or a house, I will always have exactly that much money in my pocket."
"Well, that's smart," the bartender noted. "Most folks would wish for a million dollars, or what have you. You? You're set for life." The bartender pulled the man another pint, since obviously he could afford it. "That's very smart; you're a smart man."
"Well, yeah, I thought so at first, but then I made my second wish."
"Really? And what was that?" The bartender asked.
The man nodded towards his companions. "For my second wish, I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
 

Jen

Girly Gamer
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#44
Reviving a thread from way back to tell a terrible joke I just heard.

Three cats are competing in a race. There's an English cat named 'One two three', a German cat named 'Ein zwei drei' and a French cat named 'Un deux trois'. The cats all swim across a lake. The English cat finishes first, the German cat finishes second, but the French cat is nowhere to be found.

Why? Because the un deux trois quatre cinq.


.... I'm sorry, it's bad, but I got a laugh out of it. :lol:
 
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UniqTeas

G Virus Experiment
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#47
Here is a gem from my 10th and 11th grade Math Teacher:

A couple of missionaries go to a cannibal island to convert them. Of course, the cannibals immediately kill and eat them, but they hate the taste! So they go to the village chief and ask them why they taste so bad.

The Chief asks, "Well, how'd you cook them?"

One cannibal says, "We roasted em!"

The Chief then says, "Well, there's your problem! These are fryers!"
 

KennedyKiller

Super Saiyan Member
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#49
There are queen sized beds and king sized beds. But then there is the California King. That's Bullsh*t. There has never been a king of California, so how did they get those measurements...